[Hikaru swallows audibly--yeah, it's louder than the buzzing light, he's pretty sure. He's sure every part of himself is audible or visible or just plain apparent whenever Touya looks over at him. The shape of Touya's gaze is different now, but it functions like no less of an X-ray than before, slicing straight through him. It isn't... frightening. It isn't unsettling. It's just a different feel. If they sit down across from each other at a goban, Touya's expression will settle into something dragonlike and familiar for it, while he protects his territory like he would a hoard of treasure. But as soon as the game is over, he looks like he does now, all smooth lakes and good memories to go with them. Even if Hikaru didn't like this side of him, he'd want to hang out simply because it's doing a lot for his badly fraying nerves. Hikaru's headaches don't seem so unbearable when Touya sits close to him, shoulder to shoulder, on purpose. When they're sharing a soft pretzel from a big paper bag full of them. When there's a chance to laze about in his bedroom, talking softly, holding hands with him for a while.
If I'd known sex was all it took to do this, Hikaru thinks, swallowing again, I would have made it happen a lot sooner. A lot sooner! This is peace. With Touya lightly chiding him, this feels like real prosperity. The only problem is, his heart is currently trying to evacuate itself out of the heels of his feet.]
I'm not... being ridiculous. That's not it.
[His face feels kind of warm, and he's never going to forgive himself if he's blushing. Never. The sound of Touya-sensei's stones hitting the board reminded him of bullets being loaded into the chamber of a gun. That's why now is not the time to look over at Touya and wonder if this guy's face is what people mean by an afterglow. Sunrises banding out over the surface of smooth lakes. Picturesque. Yet Touya-sensei is expecting him to pick up rocks and start throwing them all over the place. Hikaru isn't any good at skipping stones. That requires a delicacy that he just doesn't have. His Go is just as uncivilized as the rest of him.]
I was just thinking about, how... [Touya's been doing it on purpose, the bastard. Their hands keep touching under the water, which is an odd sensation, but not completely unwelcome. By the time they're finished, their fingers will be all pruney and feel disgusting all over... He'd still be willing to hold Touya's hand on the way to the station. He was just thinking it'd be nice to hold Touya's hand today, and tomorrow, on the subway, on the way to the Nihon Ki-in, if Touya doesn't mind it. They could hold hands through the end of the week. Hikaru still doesn't like to think beyond the end of the week, or the end of the month, at most. But now it's like Touya-sensei is forcing him to figure out the rest of his life and then invite Touya to take his place in it. The pressure to say the right thing, and do it the right way, is getting to be unbearable.
He turns his head to the side, and he knows he's either going to tell Touya to marry him or he's going to--] I have this friend from school, middle school, not anyone you'd know about, but he called me the other day, totally out of the blue. [--start lying his ass off.] And he called me and he was like, Shindou-kun, I need you to give me some advice. And I was like, wow, really, you want advice from me? Well, lay it on me, my brother. And he said he had this girl he liked so much and he didn't know what to do about it. This really beautiful girl, just legs for days, he was saying, and he said they'd been hanging out for a while and he thought this girl was the one. But he hadn't done anything to, uhhh, make it official, or whatever, even though they'd been doing some stuff, and I was like... Bro! "Bro," I said, "what do you think you're doing? Don't you think you're being unfair to her? Maybe she's waiting for you to say something first. It's your job as a man to tell her how you feel." And he was like, no, I don't think I'm being unfair, I didn't think it was all that important, labels and all of that, because we like each other and, well, if we like each other, then things will work out... And I just said, "Bro, if you don't make your move soon, she's going to wonder if you're actually serious about her." And he was like, no, that isn't gonna happen, because we're always spending time together and we went out for pretzels the other day, even, when we didn't have to do that, and it was... good... [...
ffffffffuuuuuuuck]
Anyway! [Hikaru says hurriedly, his voice an octave higher than where it started.] An-y-way, Touya, I was just wondering if you thought he had a point or if he should follow my advice. I mean, not that you're the love guru or anything, but you know. If there's... you know, whatever you think of it. [This can't even be called a smokescreen when it's so, so transparent, but he's wincing his way toward a verdict regardless. Touya has been oblivious about every-fucking-thing otherwise this week--maybe he'll take the story at face value. If Hikaru can just know what Touya thinks about this sort of thing, it'll be a lot easier to navigate the rest of it.]
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If I'd known sex was all it took to do this, Hikaru thinks, swallowing again, I would have made it happen a lot sooner. A lot sooner! This is peace. With Touya lightly chiding him, this feels like real prosperity. The only problem is, his heart is currently trying to evacuate itself out of the heels of his feet.]
I'm not... being ridiculous. That's not it.
[His face feels kind of warm, and he's never going to forgive himself if he's blushing. Never. The sound of Touya-sensei's stones hitting the board reminded him of bullets being loaded into the chamber of a gun. That's why now is not the time to look over at Touya and wonder if this guy's face is what people mean by an afterglow. Sunrises banding out over the surface of smooth lakes. Picturesque. Yet Touya-sensei is expecting him to pick up rocks and start throwing them all over the place. Hikaru isn't any good at skipping stones. That requires a delicacy that he just doesn't have. His Go is just as uncivilized as the rest of him.]
I was just thinking about, how... [Touya's been doing it on purpose, the bastard. Their hands keep touching under the water, which is an odd sensation, but not completely unwelcome. By the time they're finished, their fingers will be all pruney and feel disgusting all over... He'd still be willing to hold Touya's hand on the way to the station. He was just thinking it'd be nice to hold Touya's hand today, and tomorrow, on the subway, on the way to the Nihon Ki-in, if Touya doesn't mind it. They could hold hands through the end of the week. Hikaru still doesn't like to think beyond the end of the week, or the end of the month, at most. But now it's like Touya-sensei is forcing him to figure out the rest of his life and then invite Touya to take his place in it. The pressure to say the right thing, and do it the right way, is getting to be unbearable.
He turns his head to the side, and he knows he's either going to tell Touya to marry him or he's going to--] I have this friend from school, middle school, not anyone you'd know about, but he called me the other day, totally out of the blue. [--start lying his ass off.] And he called me and he was like, Shindou-kun, I need you to give me some advice. And I was like, wow, really, you want advice from me? Well, lay it on me, my brother. And he said he had this girl he liked so much and he didn't know what to do about it. This really beautiful girl, just legs for days, he was saying, and he said they'd been hanging out for a while and he thought this girl was the one. But he hadn't done anything to, uhhh, make it official, or whatever, even though they'd been doing some stuff, and I was like... Bro! "Bro," I said, "what do you think you're doing? Don't you think you're being unfair to her? Maybe she's waiting for you to say something first. It's your job as a man to tell her how you feel." And he was like, no, I don't think I'm being unfair, I didn't think it was all that important, labels and all of that, because we like each other and, well, if we like each other, then things will work out... And I just said, "Bro, if you don't make your move soon, she's going to wonder if you're actually serious about her." And he was like, no, that isn't gonna happen, because we're always spending time together and we went out for pretzels the other day, even, when we didn't have to do that, and it was... good... [...
ffffffffuuuuuuuck]
Anyway! [Hikaru says hurriedly, his voice an octave higher than where it started.] An-y-way, Touya, I was just wondering if you thought he had a point or if he should follow my advice. I mean, not that you're the love guru or anything, but you know. If there's... you know, whatever you think of it. [This can't even be called a smokescreen when it's so, so transparent, but he's wincing his way toward a verdict regardless. Touya has been oblivious about every-fucking-thing otherwise this week--maybe he'll take the story at face value. If Hikaru can just know what Touya thinks about this sort of thing, it'll be a lot easier to navigate the rest of it.]