Maybe it's in how Touya has moved his hand away, and the rest of himself, it seems, closing himself off like he's trying to hide. Maybe it's in his muddled tone, like memorial bells off in the distance, uniform in their sorrow. Maybe it's in what he's saying, though that's so much harder to follow along with, especially when Hikaru feels like he could fall asleep at any moment. He'd rather go to sleep than deal with any of this complex, complicated relationship stuff. He didn't mean to make Touya take his hand away, or get all upset with him, or anything like that. Touya was supposed to laugh about it, like Hikaru was laughing, because jerking it to kifu is the definition of absurdity. It's just funny, okay? It's hilarious! It doesn't have to be this life-changing revelation! It doesn't have to make Touya look like he's ready to fall apart...
Feebly, Hikaru offers this much:] You didn't ask about it, so I didn't... say... [anything about it. And Touya has more to say to him, all these questions to ask and he's actually flat and forlorn when he asks them. Honestly, it's more like a list of demands, the things he needs to know, the things he needs very soon to understand. Hikaru tells himself to sit up for this, that he should be doing something to make Touya feel better--but he still can't negotiate with the alcohol that's taken his extremities hostage. He just tilts his head against Touya's leg, like he did not too long ago, his mouth a pouty curve. His fingers somehow get caught up in Touya's nagajuban, the calm color of it like something he wants to sweep over him. He could pry it loose if he isn't careful.]
You're always beautiful, [he says, then, more than a little confused about why Touya thinks he has to do something in order to be beautiful.] It's not just a part of you, it's all of you, all of you, all the time. Even the ugliest sweater you have doesn't change that about you... [He was jerking off to Touya long before he was jerking off to Touya's kifu. A little frustrated, yet lost in a haze, he keeps tugging at the layers of Touya's kimono like an insistent little kid trying to get his mom's attention. He's trying to convince Touya to look down here, to look at him, if not to come down here entirely. It would feel a lot better if they could speak face-to-face, with their arms wrapped around each other. He doesn't like the feeling that Touya is moving away from him.]
I didn't want to do something you didn't like, or you, uh... you didn't want me to do. I didn't know if you wanted me to do it. I mean, I asked you... just the other day, I asked you, if you were turned on, if I turned you on, with my Go, if it did that to you, and you said... you didn't say yes, you just said... [Indirectly, it could be that Touya did say yes. Indirectly. Well, I wasn't upset with you. But Hikaru didn't know what to do with an indirect answer, and Touya didn't linger on the answer, either. Hikaru's tugging only gets stronger from here, reinforced with the last of his strength.] Hey, Touya...
[There's real yearning in his voice, fully exposed by the sluice of alcohol:]
When I touch myself, I'll think about you, every time, all the time, it's only you... and I told you, I know I told you: I'm always thinking about you.
no subject
Maybe it's in how Touya has moved his hand away, and the rest of himself, it seems, closing himself off like he's trying to hide. Maybe it's in his muddled tone, like memorial bells off in the distance, uniform in their sorrow. Maybe it's in what he's saying, though that's so much harder to follow along with, especially when Hikaru feels like he could fall asleep at any moment. He'd rather go to sleep than deal with any of this complex, complicated relationship stuff. He didn't mean to make Touya take his hand away, or get all upset with him, or anything like that. Touya was supposed to laugh about it, like Hikaru was laughing, because jerking it to kifu is the definition of absurdity. It's just funny, okay? It's hilarious! It doesn't have to be this life-changing revelation! It doesn't have to make Touya look like he's ready to fall apart...
Feebly, Hikaru offers this much:] You didn't ask about it, so I didn't... say... [anything about it. And Touya has more to say to him, all these questions to ask and he's actually flat and forlorn when he asks them. Honestly, it's more like a list of demands, the things he needs to know, the things he needs very soon to understand. Hikaru tells himself to sit up for this, that he should be doing something to make Touya feel better--but he still can't negotiate with the alcohol that's taken his extremities hostage. He just tilts his head against Touya's leg, like he did not too long ago, his mouth a pouty curve. His fingers somehow get caught up in Touya's nagajuban, the calm color of it like something he wants to sweep over him. He could pry it loose if he isn't careful.]
You're always beautiful, [he says, then, more than a little confused about why Touya thinks he has to do something in order to be beautiful.] It's not just a part of you, it's all of you, all of you, all the time. Even the ugliest sweater you have doesn't change that about you... [He was jerking off to Touya long before he was jerking off to Touya's kifu. A little frustrated, yet lost in a haze, he keeps tugging at the layers of Touya's kimono like an insistent little kid trying to get his mom's attention. He's trying to convince Touya to look down here, to look at him, if not to come down here entirely. It would feel a lot better if they could speak face-to-face, with their arms wrapped around each other. He doesn't like the feeling that Touya is moving away from him.]
I didn't want to do something you didn't like, or you, uh... you didn't want me to do. I didn't know if you wanted me to do it. I mean, I asked you... just the other day, I asked you, if you were turned on, if I turned you on, with my Go, if it did that to you, and you said... you didn't say yes, you just said... [Indirectly, it could be that Touya did say yes. Indirectly. Well, I wasn't upset with you. But Hikaru didn't know what to do with an indirect answer, and Touya didn't linger on the answer, either. Hikaru's tugging only gets stronger from here, reinforced with the last of his strength.] Hey, Touya...
[There's real yearning in his voice, fully exposed by the sluice of alcohol:]
When I touch myself, I'll think about you, every time, all the time, it's only you... and I told you, I know I told you: I'm always thinking about you.